Talking!
This article focuses on the benefits of talking through your feelings and experiences, rather than getting lost in your head!
Talking out loud to another person is one of the best things for our souls and minds. It’s why we discuss the most trivial, normal, and basic parts of each day, every day, with our partners. It’s why the majority of our teaching and training as a culture involves one person speaking to others. It’s also why saying things out loud to a therapist or professional can be so relieving for our brains to dispense and process.
Things can happen to us that don’t seem important or bothersome at the time, but that can fester and begin presenting as physical problems or symptoms such as anxiety. Talking through that situation with a friend or a counselor allows it to filter and leave your system, as well as collaborating with another caring person on how to resolve it entirely (if possible).
So much of our socialization involves talking with others. We set coffee dates with our friends on a biweekly basis. We invite friends over to our house to play games and talk about our lives. Our family members who live far away from us will call us to talk about things. All of this communication is verbal and frequent for anyone who chooses to stay connected to any other person and maintain a relationship.
I think we can all admit that while listening to our friends tell stories is interesting, we are simultaneously waiting for our turn to jump in with a relating story or joke to offer. It makes us feel good to hear our own voices and have our words be positively reacted to by those we care about. Having other laugh at our jokes, express admiration at something we did, or validate our stories is something we need for our personal wellness. It is not selfish to want that, as long as we try to keep the exchange equally fulfilling.
When speaking with a counselor, however, an unequal setting is normal- as you should be the one sharing your thoughts the majority of the time. Rather than an exchange of conversation in regular society where you would know as much about a person as they know about you- a therapist/client relationship involves closer to a 10/90 share of thoughts and information. If you are someone who doesn’t have a trusted and intelligent person in your life to share conversation with, having a counselor listen to you can be extremely gratifying- as the discussion is wholly focused on you and you cannot be laughed at or put down. A similar relationship structure may be a parent and their young child- as the parent likely does not share as many thoughts as the child does, conversations are almost entirely focused around the child, and the parent encourages the child through everything rather than ridiculing.
Similarly to talking things out loud with another individual, letter writing works the same way for me. I regularly write letters to my best friend about not only day-to-day news updates but also dark thoughts, ideas, feelings, and concerns. These letters allow each of us to express our thoughts and get them out to someone who cares, and receive advice and validation in turn- even though we live far apart and are both busy. Our in person or over the phone conversations are rarely as deep as our letters, but I am happy we found something that works for us. If you don’t have a trusted person you can have a voice-conversation with, writing out your thoughts and seeing them on paper can be equally as gratifying and healing. Sharing them with another person allows for even greater meditation on your words.
There is a reason our social culture dictates that we speak to other humans as we pass them by or engage in tasks. If a cashier didn’t ask you how your day was going, you may believe they are rude or feel as if something was missing from your interaction. Our brains, even the most introverted of us, crave conversation with others in order to fulfill one of our most basic needs of self-worth.
If the cashier brings up a topic you have some sort of connection to- a sports team, an event, a product, a song- you will likely respond with a mention of your relation to it. “Oh my husband watches the Broncos”, “oh my friend has a daughter graduating then too”, “I have been eating this brand of chips for years, they’re the best!” You will likely never see this person again, and the conversation you engaged in could be considered meaningless, but it allowed you to talk about yourself- which is one of our most basic needs.
I always thought of myself as an introvert throughout my whole life, but there is nothing I find more fun and enjoyable than speaking with the few people around me that I trust. Talking to other humans can be risky- and keeping your guard up around unknown people and situations is normal and advisable. But don’t discount the opportunities you do get to engage verbally with other people. Let your brain fulfill its need to mindlessly chatter and get validation, let yourself process hidden thoughts out loud with a friend, and give your words a place to be heard and valued. It will feel a whole lot better if you do!
Kyndal Sims
Birch Psychology
