A Child’s Life in the Midst of a Divorce

Many marriages end, many people are divorced, and many children have divorced parents. This is okay, this is not a crisis that needs solving- just a life transition that needs thoughtful understanding and a mindful approach.

Many parents make the decision to separate from their partner and the other parent to their children. This is likely a very difficult and hard decision to come to that can involve months or years of discussions, trying to fix things, and then a final end result. Children are likely aware of all of this and may not even view the divorce as surprising. Sometimes, they may feel a bit of relief or may not react at all initially. Each child handles this situation differently.

Older children and teenagers may have the most trouble, as they are more conscious of what a divorce may look like and may have seen negative experiences on TV or from their friends. This adjustment may be the hardest on them, and they may act out in a variety of ways. This may include sudden behavioral issues at school, uncharacteristic attitudes or emotions, a change in sleep and appetite, and other changes that may be less noticeable. The child may or may not be aware of these changes in themselves, and they may  not be aware that these things are related to their impending new life circumstances.

It is important to make sure your child feels supported and loved. Introducing a therapist is a great way to give the child an outside support that they can trust and speak with about their feelings. They may just need an unbiased adult, so they don’t feel they are  betraying the trust of one parent by speaking about them with the other. If you decide to have your child begin therapy services- it is important that you see them as support for your children and not an eventual weapon in divorce proceedings. Having a therapist be forced to disclose the child’s thoughts and feelings in a courtroom in order to battle for custody or other things can be extremely harmful to the child- who only shared those things with a person they thought was trustworthy. A therapist should be an unbiased third party that both parents can support and use for the sole purpose of helping their shared child.

Sometimes parent coaching may also be beneficial for divorcing parents. A child needs consistency, and having two sets of rules and environments can cause a lot of anxiety and behavioral incidents. Making sure the parents are on the same page when it comes to raising their child is crucial- and have a family therapist help coordinate that can be helpful to avoid arguments and come to compromises. Each household should try to operate as similarly as possible in order for the child to have a good understanding of how they should behave and to allow them to relax. Learning how to be a good divorced parent can be taught by a professional and may be helpful for those unfamiliar with navigating this transition or whose children may have a difficult time dealing with this.

It is important to empathize with your child and understand how they may be feeling in this situation, regardless of your feelings towards their other parent. Children of divorced parents often report strong feelings of guilt when one of their parents uses their feelings for the other parent as manipulation. For example, one parent may ask a child if they love the other parent and get upset if the child says yes, they may get upset if their child seems happy to go see the other parent, they may speak with the children about what led to the divorce in a way that creates resentment or involves age- inappropriate discussions, etc. This is too much for a child to understand or navigate- so it is important to try to avoid discussing anything biased with them.

They did not choose this divorce, and their life will be changed entirely because of it. This does not mean negatively- in fact having parents divorce can sometimes be the best thing for a child. If their parents are fighting constantly, are always unhappy, that can create a toxic home environment for the child. Being able to see their parents safe, thriving, and happy- separately or together- is what is best and ideal. As long as they are loved, supported, and cared for, they will be fine and happy- whatever their family looks like!

Kyndal Sims

Birch Psychology