Parenting Gifted Children
This article comes from an interview of a mom of two gifted children about how she handled raising them.
She was a straight-A, overachieving, well-rounded, scholarship-deserving teenager. And then, she found herself raising two of her own. Both her daughter and son are very bright, gifted according to their schools. Friends teased her about overdoing the classical-music-in-utero, which supposedly would produce smart kids. They were knowledge-hungry toddlers, and she says it was a joy to teach, teach, teach them. Not only did they learn easily, they also were driven to succeed. They were mature and responsible beyond their years. They were producing work several grade levels above their own. She was so proud.
Then, her light bulb clicked. She had become the overachieving mom of overachieving children. It was during their middle school years that she realized that helping them to excel was the opposite of what they really needed. The were like racehorses, raring to get out of the gate and go as fast as they could. However, they didn’t need her to encourage and cheer for their speed of progress. They needed her to pull on the reigns.
This was not a natural response for any of them. Overachievers, including herself, want to go fast, get it done, break records, and impress. Although it can be a blessing, it can also be a curse. It is common for overachievers to have anxiety, depression, and even mental breaks. They can’t always handle the pressure, even though they tend to seek it out. They might not know when to slow down, take on a bit less, relieve some pressure, or even recognize physical symptoms of stress. Children need to rely on their parents to pull back a bit, in order to protect themselves.
She decided to change her parenting strategy. She focused and drilled them on three important points.
You still need to be a kid. School years are the only opportunity to participate in sports, clubs, choir, and drama. Nothing should get in the way of getting to have fun in these areas. As high schoolers, both of her children were concurrently enrolled as college students. This meant they attended all of their classes on the college campus. So, this made it even more imperative to stay active with friends through the high school activities. It was her job to enforce a balance between work and play.
You can always change your mind. Both of them wanted to take college classes during high school. It was their decision. However, she reminded them often that they were never locked-in to that decision. If either of them ever regretted not being a regular high school student, or desired to slow down, or decided they weren’t ready for the college experience, all they had to do was tell her. She would talk to whomever I needed to make that happen. She was never going to be disappointed or try to talk them out of it. They needed to know they always had an out. They were only taking this path because it’s what they wanted.
Be happy and self-sufficient. She reiterated this time and time again. Overachievers tend to believe they are to succeed and be the best at anything and everything they do throughout their lives. Graduate at the top of their high school class; go to the best colleges; graduate at the top of their college class; get a high-paying, successful career and continue to impress and break whatever records placed before them. It was her job to teach my children to settle for less. Teaching kids to reach their potential can backfire when their potential is unlimited. All she wanted for their futures was for them to be happy and self-sufficient. They should like what they do and be able to support whatever lifestyle they want. Nobody expected them to keep impressing everyone their entire lives.
Over time, she was able to loosen the reigns a bit because they learned to self-control their pace. They began to recognize physical symptoms of stress and know to give themselves a break. She now has to stand back and watch. Yes, sometimes they still revert in their progress, but they are quicker to realize the cause and modify their course. They have both reflected upon what will make them happy in life and not what will simply impress others. And in her opinion, frolicking in a field is the level of success to achieve.
Written by Kyndal Sims
Birch Psychology
