Birth Order and Child Development

In some circles, birth orders are equivalent to zodiac signs. Someone will ask what you are, and then inform you of your traits, hobbies, lifestyle, etc. based on that one thing. 

There are four main birth orders a person can be- oldest, middle, youngest, and only. Of course, just as in your assigned Zodiac sign, there are people on the cusp of one or the other, or who may identify as one group instead of the other due to how they were raised (ie- a youngest child being more of an only child due to their siblings moving out early on in their childhood).

In regards to psychology, trauma, personality development, and socialization- where a child is in their family can have a lot of impact. An oldest child of 12 may have struggles relating to being overworked with helping to raise their younger siblings, and may feel they have skipped their own childhoods and care. A middle child of 3 siblings may feel they are ignored by parents. A youngest child may feel infantilized by their parents and bullied by their older siblings for not being “big” enough to play with them. An only child may feel isolated, lonely, and depressed if they do not get peer interaction in other settings.

It is important to acknowledge that children born into the same family who share the same DNA and general style of upbringing will have totally different experiences and reflections on their childhoods. My husband is the second of four children, and he likes to talk about this phenomenon quite often.

His oldest sister led the charge of caring for her much younger siblings. She was the boss of the household- had to be- in order to do her job correctly. She was expected to care for them at all times, but in turn she was awarded freedoms the other children never were, a tradeoff she claims she was happy with. But now, when all 4 children are old and grown, she still attempts to take a leadership role in every situation she is in- with friends, family, work, public, etc. It became the central part of her personality due to her upbringing.

If a child attends a therapy session as an oldest child, stereotypically they may be facing this extreme pressure she did to act as the adult to younger children even as a child herself. This may cause anxiety, resentment, depression, over-achieving syndromes, etc. This child may act bossy in school- as they are rewarded for doing at home- but end up punished for in other environments. This child may feel left out of their sibling group and feel isolated and lonely- due to their role as the caretaker rather than a fellow playmate. 

As for a youngest child, my husband likes to talk about how his youngest sister became spoiled by the family. She was the last one in the house, and by the time she was a young teenager and was left alone the family was more financially stable and secure. So instead of the bean burritos my husband grew up on while he was in poverty, she mostly grew up with nightly steak dinners, unlimited allowances, vacations, etc. She grew up in a household of 3- with older parents who had paid off their debts and had great jobs. 

If a child attends a therapy session as a youngest child, as discussed by both her and my own younger brother, it could be due to feelings of abandonment by their older siblings. My mother told me that when I moved out of the house, my brother cried for a week straight. I still feel guilty. He became less talkative, more rebellious, and had to grow a lot during my absence. As a youngest child as well, he has mentioned a far more lax parenting style that I and other oldest children may have had- as my parents felt “done” at that time and didn’t feel the need to devote more effort. He experienced feelings of loneliness and also second-favorite status because he was not parented as much.

Middle children are unique to me, as there can be anywhere from 0- unlimited middle children in a family, and each middle child will have a different middle child experience. In my husband’s family, he and his brother were born one year apart, my husband being first. Due to my husband’s traditional small town upbringing, my husband was trained to do things his brother was not, as the “heir”. Both boys were middle children, but were raised entirely differently and have entire different outlooks on their life. My husband grew close to that mindset his parents had, while his brother resented it for the shortcomings it left him with.

Middle children stereotypically may see a counselor due to being “forgotten”. They may want to feel a connection to someone and have their own trusted person to share their feelings with if there is not the perceived space in their home for that. This is not always the case, but may be a factor in their treatment through therapy.

All in all, each one of us grew up differently and became different people- mostly based on how our parents raised us and what our childhood surroundings involved. Birth order is not a ranking, their is no group more desirable or better off- but it is important to consider when thinking about a child’s whole picture and worldview. Their world will look very different as an only child versus a child of 20 kids. As an adult, we can reflect on what our birth order may have done to our personality, choices, and brains.

Kyndal Sims

Birch Psychology