Couples Therapy!

Many couples engage in couples therapy- even and especially healthy ones! There are so many types and focuses of couples therapy, and it is a really important service.

Some people seek premarital counseling when they are engaged so they can determine if they will be well suited to marry. Some people seek couples therapy when they are newly together and want to build a solid foundation for their relationship. Some people seek couples therapy off and on intentionally when they are going through stressful life transitions in order to hold strong. Some people attend couples therapy after a rough fight, conversation, or hurtful event. Some people attend couples therapy after years of hurt and disappointments. And some people even attend couples therapy as a way to work through intentionally ending the relationship.

One important fact about couples therapy is that it will not be successful without both parties agreeing to actively participate. Having one member of the couple feel forced to go, feel negatively about the idea, or put less effort into the process can sabotage the success of the treatment.

It is also important that couples therapy not be used as a punishment, as a plea for forgiveness after a breach of trust, or be used as a last resort. Couples therapy may not work in active crisis or when feelings are beyond repair. Forcing your partner into therapy after they have hurt you will likely be unsuccessful. Promising to attend couples therapy after deceiving your partner is not always a solution to fix things- although it can be if the person is sincere and the behavior is not repetitive. Finally, attempting to attend therapy after years of events and fights when both parties are emotionally exhausted from the relationship and feel “done” may not be the best option either.

Another fact about couples therapy is that both members of the couple often receive individual therapy concurrently with couples therapy! This is done with separate clinicians in order to keep separate the couple focus vs individual. Individual therapy for the members of the couple will involve their own mental health struggles and focus on helping them heal and learn. This way, when they enter their couples therapy sessions, they know more about themselves and can better focus in on their partner’s and the unit’s needs.

If a member of the couple has a personality disorder or an undiagnosed mental health condition that is affecting the relationship, often a psychological assessment would be recommended so that the couples therapist can treat the couple with the added element to work with. A person’s behavior seen out of the context of their brain and differences may be seen as a threat or problem- but knowing if it can or should be fixed, and that those behaviors can be attributed to a disorder instead of personal choice, is very important for both partners and the therapist to know.

An additional fact about couples therapy is that it involves prioritizing the couple itself as the client. not either individual. This means that the couple will not work with the couples therapist on issues that do not pertain to the health of the couple, see the couples therapist separately on a frequent basis, or ask the therapist to keep secrets.

Sometimes due to events occurring in the relationship, the therapist may be unable to work with the couple until things are solved. This includes domestic or sexual violence, and the reason for this is to prevent the aggressor and abuser from being able to continue those behaviors through therapeutic techniques. This is something that can be reported either on a mandatory or voluntary basis, and the therapist will act as a support to the victim, but the couple’s relationship cannot be the client in that case due to safety concerns.

When in doubt, try it out. If there is an issue you and your partner cannot seem to work through, doing some brief therapy sessions with a specialist can help you two establish positive communication techniques, compromises, resolutions, and future plans. It is better to be cautious than be too late when it comes to therapy- as there are important factors that still must be present in order for treatment to work (love, trust, and hope). It is amazing what a trained professional can do for your relationship that you may not have even realized you needed! The decision to seek couples therapy should never be seen as a sign of defeat, embarrassing, or sad- it is a positive sign that you both want to continue the relationship.

Kyndal Sims

Birch Psychology