What Are You Feeling?

Our family had been enjoying a wonderful trip to a cabin in the mountains. We had gone sledding, built snowmen, watched movies by the fire, and made incredible memories. The morning we were set to leave was spent busily packing up our suitcases and putting the cabin back the way we’d found it. My husband loaded the car, and I was making sure we weren’t leaving anything behind. It was a bit chaotic and busy.

And that’s when my three-year-old decided to throw a tantrum. He was crying, kicking, and screaming. As a mother, my first instinct was to reprimand the behavior. It was unacceptable to act like that. I’m sure I told him to stop and to get up. I probably threatened a time-out. However, he continued to act out.

That is when my husband, a therapist, calmly suggested that I talk with him and ask what he feels. (Note, not to be confused with how he feels, which is more physical: hot, hungry, etc. What he feels are emotions.)

I’ll admit to thinking, “I don’t care what he feels. He needs to stop acting like that!” But instead, I asked my husband how a three-year-old could possibly tell me what he was feeling? He told me, “Give him choices.”

So, I sat on the steps next to my little boy and said, “Let’s talk for a minute.”  The kicking and screaming stopped. 

Then, I began with asking him what he felt. “Hey, Buddy. What’s going on? What are you feeling right now?”

I was met with silence. “Are you mad?” Silence. “Are you scared?” Silence. “Are you sad?”

“Yes,” he said.

Okay, now we were getting somewhere. “Okay. I can see that you are sad. Can you tell me why you’re sad?” I asked. 

Silence. I began with choices. 

“Are you sad because we’re packing your things?” Silence. “Did you sister hurt your feelings?” Silence.

“Are you sad because we’re leaving?” I asked. He finally nodded. 

I said, “I can understand that. I’m sad, too. We had fun and now it’s over.”

He sniffled and scooted closer to me. I put my arm around him and said, “It’s okay to be sad. But you know what? We’ll go on other trips and have fun again, okay?” He nodded.

Tantrum over.

He didn’t need me to change the situation and he certainly didn’t need a time-out. All he had needed was help describing the emotions he was feeling. He wanted to be heard and understood. 

From then on, if a tantrum was about to begin, I stopped and asked, “Hey little dude, what are you feeling? Mad? Sad? Scared? Nervous?” and then helped him voice the reason why. 

That boy never had a tantrum again. He became a child who could articulate the emotions he was feeling and with my help, could figure out why. Yes, sometimes a tantrum could start because of how he was feeling, such as hungry or tired. However, those situations were easy for me to recognize and fix. 

Knowing what we’re feeling and why, can help people at any age to react to negative emotions in a healthier way. As we mature, our vocabulary to articulate a wide range of emotions expands, thus giving us a more controlled ability to identify what we’re feeling and behave in a rational way.

My husband knew what he was doing that day. What he doesn’t realize is that I learned to play that game with him when he was being a grown-up grumpy-pants and it worked on him, too.

Written by Janelle Sims. Used with permission.