Parenting with a Mental Illness

Most of us may meet the qualifications of a mental illness and we may or may not realize it. Some of us may have sought treatment, some of us may have sought distraction, or some of us may be able to continue our lives adapting and struggling regardless of knowing there is an issue. 

Mental illness can be common and most people can adapt theirs into their lives with some effort. Some can be overcome, some are chronic. Once you become a parent, however, these illnesses can become aggravated and more apparent- and there is an even bigger hill to climb when you are managing the lives of others.

When a child is born, we become familiar with screening mothers for postpartum depression, anxiety, and psychosis- which can be quite common in pregnancies and after birth. Mothers are screened every doctor appointment they or their child attends for the first few months. But that is where the consideration begins and ends- as we are expected to return to normal as soon as possible.

I knew of my anxiety disorder prior to pregnancy, and postpartum it seemed to peak for a little while with fears of my child’s health and mine. Her birth was early and traumatic, and she had some initial health concerns as a result. My mind enlarged these and caused high anxiety and panic. A couple of weeks after her birth this seemed to subside back to my “baseline” level of moderate anxiety. 

But then a few months postpartum, I became hit with something unfamiliar- depression. Out of nowhere I became sad for hours without any fix, felt hopeless, and cried often. This coincided with a traumatic loss in my family and the continuing change in hormones and lifestyle. I had never experienced a depression before, and it was incredibly difficult and uncomfortable for a while. I felt like a terrible parent to her. Luckily for me at least, it seemed to be postpartum related mainly as it subsided within a couple of months of it beginning and I am now happier and healthier than I ever have been.

These postpartum mood disorders tend to be resolved within a couple of years of the child being born, as hormones decrease, bodies return to normal, and children grow older and become “easier” (only in terms of eating and sleeping). However, at some point they may become permanent or chronic and fall under the more broad umbrella of mental health disorders not related to adjustment disorders (like postpartum conditions can be considered). Or, the parent may have previously been diagnosed or experienced a mental health disorder that returns or sticks around- unrelated to the life change.

Parenting while struggling with a brain that isn’t neurotypical can be extremely difficult. When a baby is waking throughout the night every hour for hours, when your child won’t stop screaming, when you feel like you are never doing enough, and when everything feels impossible- having unresolved or new symptoms of mental illness can take the cake. Every small bad event can seem ten times as problematic, trauma can be created from mistakes or small scares, and being weighed down with constant responsibilities and no time can become really devastating. This does NOT make you less than as a parent in any way.

Parenting for those who are struggling with mental health disorders can look a bit different but can still be just as good. Their children may not get to be socialized as often due to parental social anxiety, their parent may require occasional time away from the family to cope, and the parent may be prone to mood changes and different needs. A child will only be affected if you do not take care of yourself to the best you can- and small differences in their lives compared to their peers will not hurt them.

Parents who are struggling need to take care of themselves first so they can take the best care of their children possible. This does mean spending time away from their children to participate in counseling, doing things that make them happy, and engaging in wellness and self care treatments. Burning yourself out and aggravating your illness will only backfire worse if you overwhelm yourself with trying to be perfect. A child will grow into a wonderful person from seeing their parent take care of themself well. They model your choices and behaviors, so put energy into yourself and you will see it positively transfer to your child.

Watching your symptoms and moods for an issue is key to remaining as healthy as you can be. If you notice yourself becoming quick to anger or sadness, having more worries than you normally do, or you notice anything else uncomfortable about your feelings that isn’t normally there- you could have a mood disorder or negative symptoms that should be addressed. You are still valid, you will get through it and become stronger, and you will still be a great parent and role model. It just means your path may be a bit more difficult- but just as rewarding. Make sure to prioritize your wellbeing- as hard as that may be sometimes- and you will see other worries and issues resolve themselves in turn. You’re doing great!

Kyndal Sims

Birch Psychology