How to "Handle" the Holidays

We have a lot of people in our lives who care about us and who we care for in return. The only downside that can occur is that sometimes, we run out of time and energy to give to all of them. So, we give all that we have and don’t save any for ourselves, causing emotional anxiety, sadness, and other concerns. How do we do the best for ourselves and others in a losing situation?

Even the most extroverted people have social batteries that need charging in order to socialize well. If we are around too many people too often and we are not able to be alone and relax, we can become very drained very quickly. We may absolutely love our friends and family and enjoy spending time with them, but we may not have enough time to do so even if there is enough empty space in our schedules. It is important to be alone sometimes and to book time for that, or to be left alone even if there are others around to decompress. Typically, this lack of alone time and the being stretched thin between social gatherings occurs during the holiday season.

Growing up, I was shuttled back and forth between my divorced parents’ houses every single holiday every year. Holidays were spent half and half, with a two hour drive in between. Once at one of their houses, we typically rushed to get over to a grandparent’s house as well. Holidays seemed overly organized and chaotic compared to what is seen in movies. As an adult, I assumed things would be different and I would get more of a say. Oh how incorrect. Now, I have to factor in in-laws, parents, grandparents, and extended family every holiday. Sometimes it seems that no matter what my husband and I do, we disappoint everyone, yet get no time at all to ourselves. We rush around, trying to be apart of all of our dozens of “family traditions”, get berated for the ones we compromise on and miss, and never get to relax and enjoy much.

All of this stress, planning, and managing disappointment can take a real toll on your mental health if you are not careful. As an example, my husband and I sat down, planned out how we were splitting Christmas among everyone, and then called and told our parents and siblings. Somehow, we managed to make everyone either cry or get angry- even as we divvied up all 48 hours among them without any rest or time to ourselves. We felt horribly anxious, depressed, and overstressed about what to do. 

When a person becomes married or committed to another person, they create their own new family unit. This involves a breakaway from their parents and siblings, who now become their own extended family. When they have kids, this can result in a few years of in-between that can lead to hurt feelings and stress. Even as people gain new people to care about, their love and care for the people who have been there the longest never goes away.

What is most important about the holidays is that you are happy and able to take a break. If this means not getting together with everyone who wishes to see you this year, so be it. If this means making everyone upset so that you and your partner and kids can do what you want to do for once, do it. Family issues are a huge source of mental health related problems and stress concerns. Extended family related issues can put a huge toll on marriages, sometimes resulting in a need for regular couples therapy. Setting boundaries is essential, and the sooner the better, so that the people affected are able to adapt to them and grow understanding.

Family and friends can create small downsides when it comes down to making any decisions on anything, and it is important to stand up for yourself to preserve your own mental well-being. Giving in here or there is expected, but doing so constantly just to “keep the peace” will only harm you and those relationships more in the end. Even if you overextend yourself, you may find you still end up with loose ends regardless. There is no way to win, so just do what feels right and things will work out in the end. Take care of yourself this holiday season and try to think about your own wants or needs here and there. Cherish your family and friends, but make sure to fill your own cup as well. If you think that therapy or some 

consultations with a professional may help, we are always here for you. Happy holidays!

Kyndal Sims

Birch Psychology