Healthy Relationships Start with Healthy Boundaries
Setting boundaries can be hard. How are you supposed to know what they should be? How do you let someone know what your boundaries are? In what situations should you set boundaries? These are all questions that many, many people have had; they’re questions that I have had as well. As 58% of Americans report struggling with saying “no” to others, chances are high that you or someone you know finds that boundaries are really difficult to set up and enforce. Most people report that the reason they end up going to events that they don’t want to go to, for example, are feelings of guilt or obligation, the idea that they didn’t want to let others down, or felt pressured to say “yes” or to go. It might feel better in the moment to just say “yes” for the sake of not harming your relationship with someone, however, having healthy boundaries is something that can actually lead to stronger relationships in the long run.
It can be difficult to set up and stick to boundaries, but doing so can lead to improved mental health and emotional health, avoidance of burnout, better relationships, and a developed sense of identity and autonomy. But how do you know what your boundaries should be?
There are a number of different types of boundaries that can be applied to all different kinds of relationships we might have, including boundaries at work and in work relationships, with friends, and with partners. The first link in the resource list below mentions seven main types of boundaries that they came up with: time, mental, emotional, material, internal, conversational, and physical. Time boundaries are about setting limits of how much time you are able to spend on someone or something. Mental boundaries are about having the freedom to think your thoughts, feel your own feelings, and have your own values and opinions. Emotional boundaries are about how emotionally available you are and how much of that emotional availability you have to give. Material boundaries are about how much physically (financially, for example) you are willing to give or lend to others. Internal boundaries are about the energy you are able to give to others (think: your social battery). Conversational boundaries are all about being comfortable in conversations that you are a part of. Lastly, physical boundaries are about your physical space and body.
Every one of these types of boundaries is important to have. It can be difficult, however, to know where exactly to start in terms of what your boundaries should look like. The first place to start is to reflect and ask yourself questions on what behaviors in others bother you, what traits and behaviors to do like or appreciate in others, how you like to spend your time, what things make you feel satisfied and fulfilled, and what material items do you possess that are important and why.
Continuous reflection is a critical aspect of healthy boundaries and thus, your next step should be to look at how you feel about others. One of the best ways to do this is by going through and thinking about your relationship with the people in your life. You should ask yourself if they have done something or said something that made you feel uncomfortable or disrespected or forced. If you find that there is something that is bothering you about the way they have treated you, then it is important to bring that up to them. This is the part that can be nerve wracking, but it does not have to be. A good way of feeling less nervous about talking to someone about your needs is by being prepared. Uncertainty is scary, so knowing what you want to touch on can be incredibly helpful in making the upcoming conversation feel less uncertain.
While you are talking to someone, it can be helpful to consider a few things such as timing of the conversation so as to not catch them right after they got back from a long day of work or school, using “I” statements to avoid coming across as accusatory, and being clear so as to avoid miscommunications and confusion. These conversations are helpful in setting boundaries, but sometimes, people will cross your boundaries. If they do so, then it is important to reiterate what your boundaries are and what it is that you need. It is important to also have reasonable consequences in case your boundaries are crossed again; it is important to have your needs met! In any relationship, it is better to have your needs met and respected by someone, than ignore your needs for what you assume is better for the other person. The best part about boundaries is that it is never too late to set them!
Ayanna Schubert
Birch Psychology
Resources
https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/
https://thrivingcenterofpsych.com/blog/setting-healthy-boundaries/
https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/faq/establishing-boundaries-essential-or-selfish
