Healthy Conflict Management!
Conflict happens. It is a normal part of relationships because we are all different people with different needs and opinions. You can’t choose to not have conflict or to just avoid it entirely, but you can choose to avoid fighting. It is important to learn how to solve problems in a healthy way using techniques from positive conflict management.
When an issue arises and creates contention between you and your spouse, stop the conversation where it is and switch over into conflict management mode. During this time, the conversation is structured to avoid loud speaking, arguing, and relationship damage while working to solve the problem. You two are a team, and it is important to think about how to fight the issue and not the team member.
Let’s say that while you are away from your partner, you begin thinking about or become aware of an issue in the relationship or household that needs to be addressed. Perhaps you walk into the kitchen to find the dishes not done for the tenth time that week, maybe you notice a bank account charge for $300 worth of video games, maybe you hear your spouse mention something negative about you to their friends on the phone. Instead of calling your spouse right then and there to vent your frustration, make a plan.
When you choose to bring up the issue at hand is important to think about first. You want to make sure the setting and timing are conducive for proper conflict management. It would be bad timing to bring up a huge issue right before bed, or while your spouse is extremely stressed, or in front of your kids, or on a date night. Find a time that feels right, even plan a meeting with your spouse during the day letting them know that an issue will be discussed beforehand, and you’re much more likely to have better results.
Second, when you bring up the situation, only bring up the one topic at hand. Do not drag past issues or other issues into the mix or you will create a fight instead of a problem-solving session. Don’t save up your concerns from the month and air them all in one long meeting. Make sure you also word the issue in terms of “I” or “we”, or you may cause your spouse to go on the defensive and be less willing to listen to you. Explain the issue as simply and kindly as possible, and then explain why it bothers you. Describe what you think a fair solution would be, and then ask for their input. Your solution may end up being discarded for a compromise decided on by the both of you instead, and make sure to be okay with that. Compromises are a crucial part of relationships and conflict management, as you cannot always get exactly what you want and be 100% fulfilled when you are a part of a team, but you can make sure that you get some or most of what you need.
After the conflict meeting is over, it is important to leave the setting and the conversation behind and go do something else with your spouse to move on from it. Go out to dinner, go watch a movie, go spend time together in a positive way to balance any lingering contention. Try not to have to have another conflict meeting for at least a week, and focus on keeping the peace as much as possible.
Let’s say that a problem or conflict arises while speaking to your spouse and the issue seems like it needs to be solved right then. Sometimes you will be having a conversation or doing an activity with your spouse that suddenly spurs the beginning of an argument. If you try to put off discussing it, you may find that during the waiting time the hostility has increased and the problem seems to get bigger, so decide if the matter needs to be fixed immediately or if a cool down time with a scheduled conflict meeting later on would work better. If you decide that you need to fix the situation immediately, you first need to ask yourself how important the matter is. If you begin fighting with your spouse at a grocery store about them wanting to buy a gallon of ice cream, consider letting the matter go for the sake of your day, mood, and relationship. If the issue is a much deeper matter like being lied to, pick that battle instead and emphasize how important the issue is. If you argue with your spouse over every small thing you dislike or disagree with everyday, you may lose the relationship entirely and find those petty issues were never worth it. However, if you choose to let everything go, you will begin harboring resentment towards your partner that may kill the relationship anyways. Find a balance.
Rule of thumb is, if something bothers you enough that you think about it repeatedly, it causes you to think negatively about your spouse as a person, or it hurts your feelings, it is a conflict worth discussing and resolving and should be done so accordingly. In the heat of the moment or when combined with other forms of stress, sometimes it can seem impossible to manage conflict calmly. You’ll find that if you put that effort in, your relationship will improve drastically while your mood improves as well, as lingering in conflict and fighting will only hurt you. Remember that at the end of the day your spouse loves you and wants the best for you, and you will be able to work through anything if you do so together.
Kyndal Sims
Birch Psychology
Resources
https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/272298
https://www.embracingasimplerlife.com/seven-habits-healthy-conflict-resolution-marriage/
https://www.verywellmind.com/conflict-resolution-skills-for-healthy-relationships-3144953
